I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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