I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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