Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
