I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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