Don't make out with my wife yet
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
