i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She announced her abortion via fbk
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
