I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
