i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
