That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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