I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
