Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
