I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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