Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We were destined to go to rehab together
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
