oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
