im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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