i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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