My liver just broke up with me...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
