Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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