I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
