i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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