A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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