Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Banned from zoo.
Again?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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