I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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