Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
