Who did Billy Mays play for?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
