I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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