So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
