When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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