Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
