Swine flu. Run for my life!
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
