just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He felt like a one man threesome
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
