Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
so much tequila, so little girl.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
