I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
