P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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