Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
We have so much sex to catch up on
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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