that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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