She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
