I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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