just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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