is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
