I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
