If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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