i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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