First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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