fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
