be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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