if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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