I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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