she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
