If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
