3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
