We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
