The maid of honor just puked.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
